Grab Your Swim Trunks and Head to Belize

There are times when you want to stick your big toe in the water to check out the temperature, but when it comes to Belize, you might as well just cannonball on in. It’s okay, the water’s just right.

After spending the week in Guatemala city operating, some of the surgical crew and I decided to hop a plane to Belize, because that’s just one of those things you never regret.

There are all sorts of travelers in this world. Some people like to lay on the beach and drink themselves silly while their skin turns to hide. Others like to drink nature’s adrenaline-rich octane while bungee jumping off a waterfall. And then there are those of us that want to do it all. I know that we’re the most annoying to be around. I’m like a kid hyped up on pixie stix in this environment. I want to simultaneously lay on the beach, search for crabs, paddle board, dive, drink, sleep, and dive naked off a cliff. I want to do it all, and I want to do it right now. Well, I did most of those things. I’ll spare you the nude pics.  Turns out, Belize is just the place to do it all.

Ambergris Caye is a pretty bad ace little island. And if you’re headed to Belize, Ambergris Caye is an easy boat ride or plane flight from Belize City. Ramon’s Village Resort is likely the best place to stay as it has nice amenities and a pretty sweet beach:

Ramon’s Resort, Ambergris Caye, Belize

See? Who wouldn’t want to lay there with that view?

Ramon’s has its own little dive center where you can book a snorkel trip or rent a paddle board. The waters around Ambergris Caye are the best for paddle boarding or kayaking because the reef buffers the waves, so it’s usually super smooth. You can score a bag of sardines for $1.50 in one of the town’s convenience stores. Strap those little creatures to your paddle board so that the juice flows into the waters and you’ll attract all sorts of little oceanic predators.

Getting our paddle board on at Ambergris Caye, Belize

The GoPro is always snapping away. This is just before our paddle board swap plans resulted in a plunge

You can’t go to Belize without at least investing in a good snorkel trip, if not diving the great Blue Hole. For your snorkeling go-to, you’re best to hit up Shark Ray Alley. These aren’t those teethy, scary sharks… They are the docile, adorable nurse sharks, and they travel in schools. You’ll bale off into the water, dressed in your flippers and mask, and as soon as you dip your head under the water, you’ll meet lots of new friends. Take your camera 🙂

Keep the GoPro running cause these little sharkys are quick

#StingRaySelfie

You’ll want to grab yourself one of these Sting Ray Selfies for sure, but let’s all remember that this cute little bugger is what took down the Crocodile Hunter. (RIP Steve Irwin). So keep your chest away from that stinger zinger. You’re better off falling in with the sharks.

Now, for you Bucket Lister, SCUBA-obsessed guys and gals, you’ll likely be looking to the Blue Hole. Ah, the Blue Hole, such a mystic ideal dive check mark. I dreamed of diving the Blue Hole when I was around sixteen. Then I slowly lost interest over time, hearing that it’s name was pretty accurate… It’s just a blue hole. Well, I had to see for myself. I think the most fantastic thing about the dive was the legal high of nitrogen narcosis, which occurs at around 125 feet.

Here’s the gist of the Blue Hole: If you’re staying at Ambergris Caye, then it’s about a 2.5 hour boat ride out. You descend down to around 130 feet and swim through some cave structures like stalactites and stalagmites. Then you come up. The best part is being on the boat in the middle of the hole, which is about 1000 feet wide, and seeing the edges of it. It’s fun, but it’s kind of like driving down a long dirt road to look at a stream–a little anticlimactic. If you do go diving, stick with Amigos Del Mar Divers. Not only do they openly proclaim themselves as “Friends of the Sea” they are a legit dive company that will take good care of you.

You can stand behind this sweet sign so everyone knows you dived “The Blue Hole”

And while you’re out there, you can hit up Half Moon Caye, which is quite the little Caribbean jewel:

Half Moon Caye Beach

Anyway, grab a Belize ticket when the mood strikes. You won’t be disappointed.

Swinging from the dock at Ramon’s Village

Paddle Boarding in Ambergris Caye, Belize

Plastic Surgery Gone Global: Guatemala Cleft Lips

Well folks, I have a pretty sweet job. I get to cut on humans, and I’m not considered a criminal.  I have several “favorite” plastic surgery procedures. For instance, I love removing excess skin after people have lost massive amounts of weight. I know, it’s sort of weird… I get pretty excited about it.  But what’s even more gratifying is to be able to fix a cleft lip. And to be able to do that in another country where access to medical care is limited, is really the best privilege.

I just returned from Guatemala with the Hirsche Smiles Foundation, based out of Utah. We operated for a week, and I basically wanted to adopt every single child there. I’m about to show some photos, and just an FYI, I obtained written consent for all photo publishing.

This little one was one of my favorites:

She had a complete, unilateral left cleft lip and palate. Here’s her post-op picture:

Getting in some time before she completely wakes up and wants mom and dad

Post-operative day 1 with dad. This is the reason repairing clefts is such a great experience

Her mom was tearful after the surgery, stating that she never thought this baby looked like her sister, but now they looked so much alike. This dad was in love with her all over again, and he wouldn’t stop hugging her. What a privilege to be a part of their story.

Obviously, it takes an army to do all of this in Guatemala. There are nurses, additional surgeons, scrub technicians, anesthesiologists, interpreters, and other volunteers. Here is a picture of our Operating Room team:

 

Left-> Right: Liz Fuller (Scrub tech), Michelle Bowlin (Anesthesia), Jennifer Taylor (nurse), Faizi Siddiqi (Plastic Surgeon and my mentor), and Me 🙂  

One day, we were operating and were told that a baby and mother had just shown up. Just when you think you’ve seen the most adorable child, this happens:

This little guy was 1.5 years old with a cleft lip.

His mother had just returned from El Salvador, where she was attempting to have is lip repaired

This little man was 1.5 years old. His mother had just returned from El Salvador, where she was attempting to have his lip repaired. They told her he was too old. She heard we were in Guatemala City, and brought him to the Moore Pediatric Center, where we were located. Obviously, we were pretty thrilled their path led to us.

This guy had the perfect hair for a mohawk… So, lip repaired, and hair appropriately styled.

He’s not as happy to see me on post-operative day 1, but mom couldn’t believe how he latched on to a bottle.

I couldn’t resist styling his hair into a mohawk at the end of his surgery. On post-operative day 1, he was in mom’s lap again. She couldn’t believe how he could drink out of a bottle after his surgery. I would have gladly carted him back home with me if mom and customs were on board.

Here’s one more favorite:

Left unilateral cleft lip, Guatemala

Post-operative day 1 with mom and my mentor, Faizi Siddiqi–so fortunate to have been trained by him.

Overall, it was such a fantastic trip. The Hirsche Smiles Foundation is a great organization. We were able to operate at the Moore Pediatric Center, which is largely funded by the Shalom Foundation.

The Moore Pediatric Hospital is a really excellent facility with a great staff of native Guatemalans. Everyone was so kind to us and appreciative of us being there. I felt really blessed to be there and am thankful for having been trained by Faizi Siddiqi so that I can be a part of these types of missions.

4 Medical Terms That Belong in “Harry Potter”

1.  Molluscum Contagiosum 

Listen up J.K. Rowling: this is the missing spell in your spell-binding series (See what I did there? I know, it’s #clever). For most humanoids, molluscum is a gross little cropping of skin lesions usually covering kids that go to daycare. But I am dying to hear Hermoine Granger hurl this spell at Draco Malfoy, causing his entire body to erupt in little herpes-like lesions with a swift flick of that Granger Danger wand. If (well, when) I meet Emma Watson, I’ll have my phone and a spare wand at the ready to catch this on video.

2. Morbus Dupuytren

Morbus Dupuytren is a contracture in the hands that causes the fingers to start to fold in like a fist. While a screaming “Morbus Dupuytren!!!” spell causing the hands to curl is a tempting visual, I think this should be the name of the next Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. His hands are obviously curled into fists, but he can still wield a wand. Oh, and he prefers to be called upon as Lord Dupuytren. Morbus was his father’s name. He doesn’t like to think about his father…

3. Polyhydramnios

In the Muggle world, this is a condition of pregnancy when there is too much amniotic fluid surrounding the growing fetus, but in the ponds surrounding Hogwarts, it’s a plant that grows alongside Gillyweed. For those of you that don’t know (sigh), after eating Gillyweed, you grow gills that allow you to process oxygen through your body underwater. But the Gillyweed will lose its effect after an unspecified time. That’s why you chase the Gilly with some Polyhydramnios. As the Gillyweed wears off, the Polyhydramnios creates an air bubble around your head, giving you a few extra minutes to get out of the water.

4. Histoplasmosis

Also known as spelunker’s lung, histoplasmosis is caused by a fungus that makes little balls of nastiness in the lungs of regular folks. In the wizarding world, one method of movement is through apparition (sort of like teleportation), but it’s not easy to do. Young wizards often have a hard time at first. Histoplasmosis is the place you get stuck in when you don’t apparate correctly. Sort of like the purgatory of apparition.

It is a windy, hurricane-like place that makes those stuck in it very nauseated. Here’s an example of how you might find it used in the HP series:

“Ron! Where on Dumbledore’s green Earth have you been?!” demanded Hermoine, her face drenched in disdain.

Ron turned dizzily toward Hermoine, his mouth soured and his eyes fuzzy. “I.. uh… I… uh.. was stuck in Histoplasmosis.” Ron then spewed a nasty green liquid straight onto Harry’s knickerbockers.

This Week on Trauma Niggghhhhhhts: The Ole’ Soaring Tooth

http://www.thefloridastandard.com/2013/05/08/the-tooth-fairy/

Dear Tooth Fairy,

The other night a poor, intoxicated soul landed in the emergency room with a broken face. He wasn’t really awake while I stitched him up and his mouth-breathing made a gurgling noise like a diesel engine trying to turn over that caused me to continuously clear my throat.

As I was finishing with his lower lip, he sprang into Old Faithful and spewed a puff of air mixed with wet gurgle and a tooth came flying out and landed on his lower lip. I went to grab it, but his smacking tongue beat me to it and sent the little pearl dancing throughout his mouth as I fumbled after it. If I were playing that game Operation, there would have been a continuous buzzzzz from me hitting the sidewalls. I finally retrieved it and let it drop into a metal basin, making the classic ‘clink’ sound.

I can’t help but feel a little regretful that he wouldn’t wake up for me to ask him if he wanted to keep his tooth, even if it was a pretty pitiful one. I examined the little white shard and glanced over at the slumberer, that diesel engine still trying to start, and I almost slung the tooth under his pillow but thought that might be a little much.

It’s A Woman’s World

Well blaggblog, it’s been a while. But I thought it appropriate to re-start on the day I became a woman.

This on-call morning left me frantically rounding on inpatients while trying to manage consults. Having gotten up too late, I grabbed a protein bar on the way out of the house for breakfast. I finally escaped our ‘psych’ patient that tried to follow me on patient rounds. I was munching away while writing notes, and I looked down from the computer screen to grab the last bite. But something on the backside of the wrapper caught my attention.

It read: “As women, we sometimes feel like our daily routine is a sprint to the finish line…”

That’s a weird thing to write on a protein bar, I thought. Then I read a little more.

“While other nutrients are also essential for human nutrition, the CORE 4 nutrients are listed because of their importance to many women seeking to maintain their health.”

Well, all I have to say is, “Preach it sisters! This morning did feel like a sprint to the finish line.” And after reading the full ingredients list, I realized that I have essentially been eating a prenatal vitamin for breakfast for the past week, so if for some reason I come up pregnant, don’t worry, I’ve got the proper nutrition. And don’t hate on me if I feel like watching The Notebook on repeat. Sometimes it just feels good to cry.

And because I cashed in on my Amazon Prime account before it expires and ordered a box of 48, this guy is about to get all kinds of hyped up on folic acid and estrogen.

Aren’t you a little large to ask for candy?

Apparently, a woman in North Dakota had plans to hand out this letter to trick-or-treaters she felt were too overweight to be asking for candy.

There are obviously so many things wrong with this, but I would just like to point out a few things to the Health Maiden of Fargo:

1.  Handing out letters that tell kids they are fat is a great idea if you’re looking to make friends in the neighborhood. Get your calendar and that healthy, gluten-free casserole recipe ready for all the soon-to-come party invites.

2.  While I appreciate your efforts to slim down your “village” maybe you should try something more practical. Maybe next year, create an obstacle course in your front yard. Something that makes the kids earn their candy. If your course burns 200 calories and you hand out 100 calorie snacks, you’ve just maintained a caloric deficit!

3. And finally, if you are going to throw stones out of that glass house, have someone more proficient in English proofread your letter. “You” in place of “Your” is just sloppy and really weakens your credibility.

This week on Trauma Nighhhhhhhts: Got A Light?

The other night I went in to see a girl that broke her finger while punching a table because she was mad at her boyfriend. She had either found a new partner or had settled the previous argument. I found her cradling her hand and snuggled up next to a guy continually kissing her forehead, very apologetically.

I started asking her questions about her history, such as allergies to medications, previous surgeries… I could smell stale cigarettes in the room and asked, “So, about how much do you smoke?”

She shook her head and mumbled, “Don’t smoke.”

I then stared at her necklace–a long chain hanging around her neck with a BIC lighter stuck to the end of it.

“Do you build lots of fires?” I asked, looking at the lighter, the 2 a.m. sarcasm starting to ooze.

“Oh,” she said, following my eyes down to her plastic piece.  Her guy slapped his knee and laughed. This guy made her punch a table!? No way. Such a good sense of humor.

“Well, I smoke sometimes,” she said, rolling her eyes.

I sighed and pulled out my iphone and Googled a picture of lung cancer and showed it to her.  “There you go. I don’t have any pamphlets, but consider yourself notified.”

She snarled and pinched her grinning boyfriend’s knee with her good hand.

“Okay, well, I need to line up your fracture and put you in a splint. This is going to hurt so you’ll probably want to save that last-cigarette-ever for when we’re done.”

Respect Your Elderly Criminals!

I usually go right past the News while channel surfing, but I recently paused long enough to catch this: An eighty-something-year-old man just robbed a bank. The security camera footage of the man’s face stood frozen on the TV as the anchor lady filled in the details.

Everyone seems so anti-aging these days, but getting old definitely has its benefits. I’m hoping one of them is a blissful retirement consisting of daytime television and golf. Sure, you may need a good pair of Depends every now and then, but a quick change out and you’ll be back on the putting green in no time. One advantage of old age is that certain liberties are granted, such as a free pass to be politically incorrect and to do things like back into trees and light poles.

The guy on the news went ahead and added another benefit of old age: bank robbery. Apparently this poor guy didn’t get the memo about advances in technology. He went all Jesse James–his maskless face caught on security cam and now plastered across the TV screen.

His lack of concealed identity was puzzling. I mean, even if he’s broke he could have bought a mask on credit, considering his impending financial prospects. And even if that weren’t an option, everyone can get their hands on a paper bag, some scissors, and a crayon. An enraged crayon-face on a paper bag can go a long way in a robbery.

The second puzzler is that he passed a note to the teller… Maybe he was trying to be polite, bless his geriatric heart, but I really hope that if I’m 80 and robbing a bank, I’ll be a little more of a showman.

According to the news woman, the handwritten note was wrought with misspelled words, each one emphasized with exclamation marks!!! I think this was a missed opportunity for the bank teller to return the note and demand that the grammatical errors be corrected before the transaction could be completed. Then maybe there would have been time for the police to be summoned by that red emergency button inevitably located under the counter.

But that didn’t happen and this lucky dude made away with some money. The News crew was obviously entertained by the whole story. I’ll agree, it’s just hard to call the elderly ‘criminals’.

I’m sure when the police finally got the description of the criminal and crime they just shook their heads and laughed in the bank manager’s angry face.  “Oh, lighten up! He’s probably just some sweet old guy. Let’s not be so hard on him.”

SHAKE THAT MIRACLE MAKER!

A few years ago I became a Minister… Some might call me Reverend, Elder, Clergy, Pastor, or my preferred title, Your Majesty. Any of them will do, really. I just celebrated my second ceremony, and, although it’s obviously against my character, I have to brag a little. I have a 100% success rate so far. Fingers crossed…

To further brag, I am among an elite group of celebrity ULC pastors, such as Survivor’s own Jeff Probst, Conan O Brien, Kathy Griffin, and Rob Dyrdek.

Every since I went through such ordination, a little sweetheart named Amy, whom I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting, sends sporadic e-mails, straight from the heart of the Universal Life Church Monastery. And she signs off each message with:

Hugs,

–Amy

I’ll often read them aloud to those sitting in clinic with me to spread the love and inspiration, and let’s be honest, to make them jealous of my spiritual connectedness.

At the bottom of each e-mail, Amy has a message that reads: “If you’d like to unsubscribe to these messages, please click here.” I frankly can’t imagine anyone ever clicking there… I’m pretty sure I’m the only one getting these messages. (Sorry Conan)

Here is one of my all-time favorite Amy-messages.

Hello Ross,

It’s not necessarily the PATH you choose in life that determines your happiness, but rather all in how you walk it.

You can shuffle through it with your eyes down and shoulders slumped, Ross, or you can shine like the radiant slice of heaven that you are…….

And STRUT.

Shake that Miracle Maker!

Boogie Woogie Hugs,

–Amy

The Universal Life Church is indeed a universally-accepting establishment. On their homepage, proudly nestled next to one another are the Star of David, the Buddhist Dharmacakra, the Christian Cross, the Islam Star and Crescent, among many other less well-known Divinities.

In a world where people are blowing others up as a religious affirmation, it’s good to see such unity displayed somewhere. Thanks ULC, and a special thanks to Amy.

*Hugs*

This week on Trauma Nighhhhhhtsssss: Young and Restless at 3 a.m.

source: http://www.wikimedia.org

I’ve recently had an onset of “Doogie” jokes—more so than the norm. Just the other day I couldn’t even get through a past medical history on this lady for her intermittent laughing and clapping her hands and saying, “Noooooo, you can’t be my doctor! You’re a baaaaby.” Maybe it’s this sudden crop of pimples that make me look like one of the ‘befores’ in those Clearasil commercials or the Botox I recently shoved between my brows (just to see what it’s like…)

At any rate, I recently headed in at about 3 a.m. to fix up a guy’s ear after a knife fight. When I appeared above him he let out an amused “Ooooooohweee,” followed by “You’s fresh! I’m talkin’ freeeesh.” They musta jus’ let you outa school. Oooooohwe…”

I smiled and we played the guess-my-age game while I started suturing the ear. He was surprisingly good at doing college + med school + residency math. I imagined that, sober, he was probably Quiz Bowl material.

As I worked, he looked over and told me he was going to give me his card because he recently opened a Barber Shop and that I “can’t be rollin’ up in here lookin’ like Dennis the Menace.”

I tried to furrow my brow at him, but couldn’t (Botox isn’t kidding around about freezing those muscles round the clock), and the only response I could think of is: if I’m Dennis, who’s Mr. Wilson?